Where have all the single men gone? They’re ice climbing!

Tired of searching for eligible bachelors online, Meg and I spend a few weekends going out to bars and restaurants, blatantly looking for dudes. Nothing terrible, we didn’t hooch out or anything just went out as two single gals looking meet new people.

Weekend one we hit Meg’s neighborhood and go to an Irish bar we are very fond of. Little did we know we were about to enter the couple zone. It was beyond ridiculous! After dinner and a few drinks we could not stop laughing, it was like we missed some sort of a rally where everyone in the city got paired up. “Did you get that memo?” I asked Meg. Come to city hall, last chance! EVERYONE gets a mate!!!

Not to be discouraged easily, we spend the evening cracking up and enjoying “couple watching” – the couple that has been together so long they don’t even talk nor look at one another, the couple on their second or third date just dying to make out but getting drunk to make it more comfortable, the cute couple in their early 20s who can’t go anywhere without holding hands (to be perfectly honest we hoped they would spontaneously burst into fire for their adorableness and blatant bliss), the couple we couldn’t figure out (are they brother and sister? Friends? Is he gay?), the couple that has been together for 10 years and may or may not be married and eat way too much. Every person who entered the bar was with a partner. Well except for the cute bartender but we’ll save that for another entry as that option is yet to be explored. Overall the night was surreal but really funny.

The next weekend we decide to change it up and we visit several establishments in my neighborhood. We actually went to four bars and encountered the same story – couples, couples, couples and more couples. With ever bar this got less and less funny to the point where it got depressing and then it just pissed us off. What is going on? NO single men? NO men who are not single but out with their friends? We’re just out looking to talk to people – at this point any male attention is welcome. I was two beers away from walking up to some random dude, looking at his date and asking: who’s the bitch?? (Story to be explained at a later date as well).

Little did we know the answer to our question was just around the corner. As Meg mentioned previously, we were lucky enough to spend last weekend in the UP at the Michigan Ice Fest, the title of which is very deceiving as it should be called the Michigan Hot Man Fest. Holy mother! Hot men just traveled in packs of four, they were everywhere! The hotel, the pool, the restaurant, the registration, the slide shows and the bar. Even hotter? It was Super Bowl weekend and these dudes could have cared less, they were here to climb some ice! I couldn’t even begin to count the amount of cute, bearded, blue eyed, stocking hat wearing men with amazing butts. And did I mention polite? I mean, dudes who can fix stuff and your mom would fall in love with. And they all seemed to think we were hilarious. We were in such awe we couldn’t even do anything about it. So not prepared for all of this!!

So, the plan for next year: head to the UP, score some hot athletic men and climb more than two feet of ice. The way things are going around here it may the next time we run into a single dude.

Climb on, Climber

This weekend Beth and I headed up to the U.P. of Michigan with some friends for Michigan's Ice Fest. Beth will tell you more about that later. But for now, I thought I'd share an IM between Beth and I from earlier today.

Some background- we were waiting in line for gear and filling out our forms. I asked the guy in front of us if we could borrow his pen. I noticed that the man with the pen was pretty hot. After a few minutes, pen man turned around and asked if we were from the area and chatting ensued. Luckily the event was totally disorganized and we waited in line for about 2 hours. He introduced himself and I think he may've said his name was Guy. Someone else thought it was Don. Beth and I thought he looked like a Dave. So he is Guy Dave in our eyes.

Guy Dave is a roofer in Michigan. His brother got him into rock climbing 5 months ago and he can't get enough of it. He'd never ice climbed before. He wasn't going to take a class- too pricey. He figured he'd just try it out and see how it went. He's even considering selling his drums to pay for more climbing trips. So...conversation continued. Guy Dave appreciated our ridiculous humor and time flew by. After we got our gear we went our separate ways with some "good lucks" and "see you laters" exchanged.

An incredible day of climbing ensued. Beth can tell you more about that. Then, that night, we saw Guy Dave from afar. He was talking to some people and we were going to be friends at the bar so we didn't connect. We figured we'd catch up with them at the bar. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER. Didn't catch up with him.

The next day Beth and I went to watch some of our XTREME friends climb, while we cheered them on and took pictures. Who was there? Guy Dave! Happy as ever to see us. As we expected, he was an instant pro at ice climbing and had fallen deeply in love with the sport. But not nearly as much as Beth and I had fallen in love with him. He's so stinking polite and happy and....how do you say....really freaking hot.

We watched with our own four eyes as Guy Dave scurried up the biggest ice climb with more finesse than Michelle Kwan. Seriously- he looked better than the pros. For as deeply in love as we were with Guy Dave, we were trying to be realistic. There was really no point in trying to stay in touch with this guy. I offered to take pictures of him when he was climbing and he happily handed me his little disposable camera. He walked over to get in line to climb and Beth and I took a picture of ourselves. I think Guy Dave will really like that.

Days have passed, but our deep love for Guy Dave has not. As evidenced by this im...


b: i wonder if guy/dave has developed his pictures yet
m: i thought about that this morning. he needs to show his brother, so maybe. but i could also see that guy having the disposable camera in his drawer for another 2 months.
b: i thought - he finally takes the last two of his car or something
b: a roof
m: exactly. his aunt's birthday party.
b: some new climbing gear
m: happy birthday aunt terry!
m: his buddy gets a new dog, maybe.
m: take a picture!
m: the next door neighbor's new truck.
m: that guy. i can totally see it. it's cold...he's working on some old lady's roof. brings her some dunkin donuts coffee and a cinnamon roll in the morning.
m: he knows her cause he went to school with her son. "mornin mrs. anderson...sure is cold out, huh?"
b: you're so right
b: i'm making the face
b: she makes him hot chocolate and asks him if he wants some
b: he says: i would sure love some, thank you
m: fixes her vcr while he's there.
m: HA. i would sure love some, thank you. it makes my heart hurt.
b: my god
b: that one
b: you leave to run an errand you come back home - your shelves are hung up
b: fridge is fixed so it doesn't make that noise you never realized it made
m: says something like, "i heard johnny got promoted. he's a good guy- you should be proud of him."
b: omg
b: i bet he has a great dog
b: like a rott mix but with the tail not cut off
m: "well i better be going. i'm meeting my uncle jim- gotta help him put in the flooring at my aunt's place."
m: oh yeah- great dog.
b: and he has plaid flannel sheets
b: so warm
m: totally. and some great sweatshirts.
b: and they have the perfect amount of guy smell
m: gives ya shit for drinking skim milk.
b: makes great pancakes
m: works outside all day but always smells soapy. how does he do it?
m: omg- the breakfasts that guy can cook up!
b: right!
b: great tan in the summer
m: amazing.
m: "maybe i should drive you to work today so i can change the oil." FACE.
b: calls your mom "m'am"
m: my mom might try to make out with him.
b: right?
b: comes over to meet the parents and helps your mom with the gardening
b: digs all the big holes
b: really LOVES her food
m: then emails your brother this cool shit he read about that plane stuff they were talking about.
b: i love guy dave
m: i can't handle it.
m: that guy will never divorce you. never.
b: nope
b: he will not have issues talking about endometriosis
m: oh no, not at all. sometimes he drinks too much. that's the biggest problem.
b: right
m: i'm over it already.
b: maybe a slight temper problem
b: but only in the right situations
m: right- but no problem apologizing afterwards.
b: you don't have to throw a guy against the wall just because he called his girlfriend a bitch
b: maybe in a fight he'll punch a wall but then come right back and apologize
m: but he has just the right amount of balls that he would stand up for a stranger. like a guy is on the train harassing a girl. he says something like, "she told you to shut up, man. just leave her alone."
b: yes
b: perfect
b: like the dude that wouldn't leave me alone on the bus
b: if guy dave was on that bus!
m: he NEVER takes a seat if there are women standing.
b: forget it
b: holds doors
b: helps old people
m: offers to hold the old folks' bags for them.
b: and talk about a sense of humor!
m: HA
m: it's fucked up but he's so polite that he only busts it out when he knows his audience.
b: exactly
m: you never have to worry that he'll tell an inappropriate joke in front of your parents.
b: omg and that guy with his brother's kids????
m: jesus.
m: and the oral?
m: holy shit. where did he learn THAT?
b: omg and the not gross way he touches the small of your back when you're out in public?
m: i know. it's almost all business but not.
b: just enough affection
m: this is just what i do. i'm with my gal. what? it's normal.
b: and enough to let the other dudes know you're his
b: that guy - its not above him to fling you over his shoulder and take you to bed
m: it certainly is not.
b: i'm going to lose my mind
m: sometimes he cracks up for 20 minutes over the stupidest joke ever.
m: seriously. if i look at the picture of him climbing, i might just die.
m: that ass?
m: i can't handle it.
b: i know
b: and now that's he's totally perfect?
m: and the harnass just fits it like a goddamn glove.
b: you go to a wedding all dressed up and he whispers to you about how pretty you look
m: omg. so true.
b: just once in a while he'll touch your hair
b: again - not gross
m: dances kinda dorky but he'll get out there for a little bit.
m: he hangs out with your brother without you.
m: michigan ice fest needs an online directory of participants.
b: brings you an extra piece of cake because he knows you love the strawberry filling
b: omg, right?
m: watches just enough porn to make him a guy's guy but not so much that it's an obsession.
b: and it's not gross porn
m: no- very standard.
b: staight forward porn
b: doesn't have an asian gal fetish
b: because they're so petite
m: no. they're cute but what's the big deal?
b: right
b: rocks the boxer shorts and boxer briefs
b: totally has no issue with your gay friends that ALL have crushes on him
m: HA. SO TRUE.
b: he thinks it's hilarious when they come on to him
m: a little more politically moderate than you but he likes that you have your own opinions. doesn't argue with you- he has no interest in that.
m: yeah sometimes dan makes him blush.
m: and sometimes he thinks of people to set them up with. "how about that guy for your friend dan?"
b: yes
b: he may like guns
b: but only rifles for hunting
b: and he prefers bow and arrow anyway
m: oh yeah. he goes to the shooting range with a couple buddies now and then.
m: you have one lame argument about owning a gun but you get your way on that one.
m: he sometimes cries during movies.
b: omg yes
m: not bawling or anything- but the ones with the sick dogs...totally tears him up.
b: that raccoon that got stuck in the chimmeny? he got it out and drove it to some woods to set free - animal control would of killed it
b: and he has that old cage in the garage....
m: his emails are hilarious. always short and kind of lame but you think it's funny that he even emails in the first place.
m: handwriting? so boy.
b: he signs his text messages
b: oh the handwriting
b: he's tried to quit smoking so many times
m: omg. that is epic.
b: and he never smokes at home
m: he promises he will when you have a kid.
b: yes
b: he's uncomfortable goign to that fancy fundraiser with you but he goes anyway and looks way hot
b: sort of suffers through it but he knows its important to you
m: yeah. and winds up being the hit of the event cause he's so polite. you come home and he's all, "bob worthington seems like a cool guy." he knows all about bob's house in wyoming.
b: talks to him about that plumming issue
b: wrong diameter pipes!
b: that contractor totally ripped him off!
m: yeah. "i'm gonna go check out barbara cox's roof next week."
m: WHAT? i hate barbara cox!
m: "sorry. she said she thinks there's a leak. i mean, what was i supposed to say?"
m: TELL HER SHE'S A STUPID WHORE!
m: "uh...come back to bed..."
b: perfect
b: he'll go to the museum of contemprorary art with you
b: really tries but is way confused
b: you end up making fun of the giant baby for an hour and you cry you laugh so hard
m: and when he actually does like stuff he'll say something like, "wow...that's some cool shit."
b: that's just done with lights? no shit?
m: HA
m: later he's telling his friend about it. "they had these crazy fuckin lights. it was pretty cool..."
b: he hates the color you picked out for the bedroom but he paints it anyway
m: and then- where did he figure out how to do that stuff with the borders?
b: you didn't bitch too much when he got that four wheeler
b: even though it stresses you out when he rides it
b: but then he takes you on it and you love it
b: and he makes fun of you for it
m: when he goes climbing with his brother for a week, he tells his uncle to check in on you. uncle john shows up to say hi and you're kind of infuriated and also sort of find it endearing.
b: he shows up way too early one morning
b: on the way to the construction site
b: you're in a rage but you make him coffee anyway
m: exactly!
m: wind up cracking up. forget that you were pissed. just give guy dave some shit about it later.
b: right
m: your fights usually last for about 15 minutes.
b: he leaves to go to the store and you say: so should i be expecting uncle john over in the next 10 minutes?
m: he's so freaking well intentioned you try hard to stay pissed at him but you can't.
b: best makeup sex ever
m: and then he'll apologize so it's like: christ- can i hate you for at least the rest of the day?
b: nope
m: he calls you baby and it's not gross.
b: he smacks your ass but it's not demeaning at all
b: somehow it's totally cute
m: yeah totally. how does he get away with that?
b: he makes fun of you for watching all the hugh grant movies but he puts them on the netflix que for you anyway
m: omg, yes. just adds them to the cue. "why did we get "a walk to remember"? "figured you'd want to see that shit."
b: he'll totally put up with you brining stray animals home - even though he'll be like, um...what the hell am i supposed to do with a wounded squirrel?

John Mayer Gets Me (and Meg)

Meg and I have recently developed an infatuation with John Mayer. Yes, I know we’re a little late to jump on that bandwagon but we’re not spring chickens. It’s much easier to get infatuated with a musician while in college, 1) you’re probably drunk and 2) you have access to super cheap and frequent shows.

I don’t recall how exactly we stumbled upon our new semi-obsession but I think it began with the Dave Chappelle skit. Then http://www.perezhilton.com/ drove us to John’s website, forcing the realization (through reading his blog,http://www.johnmayer.com/blog ) that JM is pretty funny. And, although we don’t know him personally and most dudes lack this attribute, he appears to be a normal guy (with mad talent).

Step one of the obsession: listening to as much JM as we possibly can. This only fueled our adoration of the guy, has anyone heard Come Back to Bed?

Still is the life
Of your room when you're not inside
And all of your things
Tell the sweetest storyline
Your tears on these sheets
And your footsteps are down the hall
Tell me what I didI can't find where the moment when wrong at all

You can be mad in the morning
I'll take back what I said
Just don't leave me alone here
It's cold, baby
Come back to bed

Okay, John. Sheesh. Of course I’ll come back to bed. I mean, you’ll take back what you said. I’ll be mad in the morning.

Or how about this gem from Your Body is a Wonderland?

Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

You want love?
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

That guy. Never lets my head hit the bed without his hand behind it.
But really. Could JM get it more? (“it” meaning Meg and me. And probably scores of other women). With lyrics like this John could look like Sloth from the Goonies. How is he channeling all this wisdom? Has he made a deal with the Devil? Is he even human? Does he have normal parents?

Step two of the obsession, looking for John on YouTube.com. Initially this began with the search for the Chapelle show skit but we’ve unearthed a plethora of John footage. Apparently he had some skits on VH1 a few years ago called John Mayer has a TV Show. Check out this gem:



And how about this:



You have to be shittin’ me, the dude is freaking hilarious too? How is it that he can read my mind so well AND be side-splitting funny? At this point I’m pretty convinced he’s an android sent from the future to mess with women’s heads.

Anyway, I’m sure JM is as a great guy in person as he is on video/paper. I mean, he requested a cum drop on his lip on Perez’s site (http://perezhilton.com/topics/john_mayer/theres_something_in_the_gravity_20070102.php) because he gets it.

AND, more importantly he gets us.

What’s that? I look so good it hurts sometimes? Aww…that guy….

The 2006 Dating Round Up

If I were to analyze my dating successes in the most detached, analytical way possible, I might say 2006 didn't really pan out for me. Here I am, without a special (human) winter friend, once again.

However, I've been in a really solid relationship with Netflix since May. After Meg introduced us, we started at two movies at a time. I think I'm ready to have Netflix come over more frequently-three movies at a time. It's big step, but it's worth it. Netflix has been so reliable. And even though it makes me cry sometimes, I laugh, too. No one else knows what I'm most likely to enjoy...

As for the people, I banked a few first dates, had the most awkward clown encounter of my adult life, and even dated a perfectly nice but smelly guy for a couple months. This year has been a real eye opener in dating strategy. The online stuff isn't for me. I'm not in the mood for the "told you so"ers today, either... Let me make my own mistakes Mom.

With Meg ushering in the Year of the Man, 2007 should be a little more interesting. Maybe her new experience will jumpstart the dating careers of all the Disaster Relief ladies. Maybe 2007 will be the year of meeting real people at real places. Maybe I have to practice making eye contact and smiling at people now.

I'm sorry Netflix... you've had me to yourself all this time. While I've really enjoyed our time together, I think we need some time apart. There's a big world to discover. Let's do just that, only not with each other. You're a great service. Oh, Netty! Don't cry your online tears. It's going to be okay. You have such an incredible technical support team. I'll always think fondly of you. And if you ever need anything, don't be afraid to pick up the high speed internet connection. I'm here.

Man Oh Man

I never refer to the dudes I date as boys. I’m not in 7th grade. I date guys. Or at least I thought I did. Yesterday I was asked out by a man and I said yes. I don’t know if I’m ready for this.

I’m not exactly sure when guys become men, but once they do, there’s no turning back. I was a young woman at 18 and probably transitioned to full on woman at about 25. At least in my own mind. But guys take their sweet time becoming men, and I’m not sure if I’m happy about that or not.

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what makes this man a man. He’s 40, so the age helps, but there are plenty of 40 year olds that wouldn’t make it to the man category. It’s not that he’s not age appropriate- in fact, he’s way more age appropriate than the 23 year old with whom I recently had a fling. It’s not that he’s not fairly hip- he has a great sense of humor and has an awareness of what’s going on around him. He’s got a full head of hair, young looking skin, and a doesn’t own a home. But there’s something about him that leads me to believe that if he ever sleeps over, he’ll bring his black leather toiletries bag with him.

He exudes a certain friendly confidence that says, “I sometimes wear a sleep mask at night and you will just have to deal.” It’s the same friendly confidence that says he might own maroon poly blend dress socks, drink manhattans and have no shame about his baseball card collection. It’s a confidence he wears as comfortably as he wears his navy blue terrycloth robe and brown slippers.

But the great thing about dating a man, is that they cut right to the damn chase. None of this “does he like me, or doesn’t he” crap. An evening of friendly conversation at an event was followed by an email the next day in which he asked me out. There was no need for me to put this email through the great female analyzation machine. He asked me out and that was that.

Maybe the thing that makes a man a man is the confidence. He’s not cocky. He just knows what he likes and wants and doesn’t apologize for it. Maybe 18 year old dudes would be wearing terrycloth robes if they weren’t so self conscious. Cause really- they just make good sense on a cold winter morning.

The beauty is that no matter if I date a boy, or a guy, or a man, there is one thing that doesn’t change. Fear of commitment. No matter what the age, level of confidence or fashion sense, a gal can always count on a guy to be terrified of commitment. But at least if I’m dating a man, in the midst of one of the inevitable cyclical relationship discussions that leave me with a pounding headache, I know I can find some aspirin in his black leather toiletry bag.

I am < > this close to making out with my pillow

I’ve been out of dating commission for a while. This fall has been nuts. I had surgery, I worked 14 hour days all through October and I moved to a new neighborhood. My dating life has been on hiatus. It’s been necessary but now I’m emerging out of the chaos and I would really like to meet someone. Because, as I told Meg last night, I am this close < > to making out with my pillow.

Here’s my problem: I am dang sick of internet dating. I hate it. It’s fun to do for a while but then it get’s super lame. So this brings up the stressful issue of how to meet people outside of match.com and craigstlist. I’m beyond going out to bars and having one night stands. I am NOT looking for a serious relationship. I’m looking for a low maintenance relationship. The dude that will spend the night on weeknights, eat frozen waffles with me in my kitchen in his underwear and not expect that we hang out every Friday or Saturday.

Easy enough, right? Dudes hate commitment!! Now where to find these dudes that aren't gross. I talk to everyone I can at any event I go to. Readings, parties, whatever. I find most men are 1) married or 2) gay. Sometimes you strike on a rare single gem but then they either hit on your friend or there is negative zero chemistry. So what to do? I have no idea. But as I am officially back in the game, I will figure it out and share it with everyone who reads this blog (hello 2-3 readers!).

Wish me luck. (and my pillow – it might be a rough night)

Bozo the clown

After last week's dating misfire, I returned to the my old internet stomping grounds for a little more punishment. Apparently, I've been a very bad girl.

I posted a funny little ad on Criagslist last week. As I waded through the responses, no one caught my eye. I decided to reply to the best of the average, and that's why I talked to a clown last night.

This is a case of having too little information before giving someone your phone number. A post-number-giving google search made me laugh/cry. This guy freelances as a children's party clown! Shit. Shit. Shit.

Fortunately, I was surrounded by friends. Someone called the number to request pictures and references. (He sent pictures today!) Others made inappropriate and hysterical clown sex jokes.
He called last night and it lasted all of two minutes. (Insert joke here.) As much as I enjoy Eugene Levy as the father in American Pie, I can't date that guy. There was a brief chat about what we ate for dinner followed up by a poorly executed story involving dinner. After I asked Bozo how old he was (39-- not in my dating range), I informed him this wasn't going to happen. He quickly and politely ended the call.

What the h-e-double hockey sticks! People wonder why I'm already so specific in my ads, and now I have to add this to the list. So now I'm looking for a funny, smart, compassionate guy who wears deoderant, has friends, and is not a professional clown.

The blind leading the blind

This week, I invited a prospect out to a baseball game. Miracle of miracles, I didn't meet this guy online. I met him through work! We had a flesh and blood conversation without meeting for one drink at a bar for the "could I like you, your picture is accurate, but your humor exists only on e-mail, and sorry to hear that you are new to town and have never had a girlfriend before" date. Why am I more prepared for that stressful hour than I am randomly meeting someone with common interests?

There's always been a dash of flirty in our previous work meetings and e-mails. I thought an invitation to baseball game on Tuesday night would scream, "I'm interested in you! And if you say yes, you may be interested in me!"

Around the fourth inning, he mentioned "the girl he was dating." Would the girl that he's dating appreciate the way he's leaning into and touching the girl he's NOT dating? And why didn't this come up sooner? A mention during an earlier coffee get together or e-mail exhange would have saved me three hours of pretending we were just two friends drinking beer and watching a baseball game. FYI-This guy was an affectionate little bugger even after he dropped the girly bomb.

Although, I knew deep down in my heart with the Lord guiding me through this difficult time....

Just kidding. I sent a testing the water e-mail hoping that something had changed. Maybe he wasn't dating the girl anymore and there was room for a non-practicing Catholic in his Jewish world! His response was unimpressive and helped the rational side of me bully the irrational side. The disappointment still lingers. And the shock still shocks.

Is he clueless? Did he want to go to a baseball game that badly? Is he a player? (I happen to be a player hater.) Is he hoping to score a little fallen Catholic nookie?

It doesn't matter what he is. The bottom line is that he's no longer a prospect. RIP.

Once an Alien, always an Alien

*Blogger is pissing me off a little. It's lost this entry like twice. Annoying.

I don't have much time to update as I'm busy with real life stuff like work (and with all the shit that has hit the fan I really need to organize my thoughts). A quick foreshadowing of the update to come. Here is my latest opinion of B.


Yes, that is a dagger in his head and a piece of poop on the other side.

Such high hopes for this one and bleh! He's an alien being all over again.

When will I learn not to get excited about these assholes? Anyone?